Reflection #4

When I awoke, the fire was gone. The world had gone cold, so very cold. Ice cold. What demons had haunted my dreams to put me in such as state? My world was reduced to nothing but shades of dead grey.

The normal morning activities irritated me, and those around me, likely sensing my discontent, avoided me, yet still, their very presence created an irrational anger somewhere deep, somewhere almost hidden. Why? Logically, I fought it, but the irritation persisted. Of course, when we’re angry, we’re actually angry, fearful or disappointed with ourselves somewhere deep inside. So I adjourned to our back patio to reflect.

Morning is the best time to enjoy our patio. It faces southwest, so in the afternoons and evenings it broils in the hot Texas sun, but in the mornings, it is bathed in cool shade from which one can watch the sun light up the world. I closed my eyes and disappeared from the world and the world disappeared from me. Nothing but my breath and birds.

Eventually, I could no longer feel my body. I floated along in the sounds and colors until there was a bright golden presence that so rarely finds me when I seek it. But today I wasn't seeking, I just was. I had been an angry grain of wheat trying not to fall to earth, preferring to remaining alone in the cold. But finally, I let go and accepted it. I died. I let go. I let go of my anger. Let go of my fear. Let go of….everything.

That's how meditation works, if you try to get something out of it, you won’t. But if you don't try and just do, you receive a precious gift. Perhaps that’s why Yoda once said, “Do or do not, there is no try.”

The golden presence touched me on the top of the head, cradled my head with its light and the top of my head filled with pressure as if my very consciousness could no longer be contained within.

As promised, I, the grain of wheat, must die to bear fruit. And so, being reborn, color, beautiful color, once again filled the world replacing the cold grey anger. Patience. Peace. Joy. Clarity.

I opened my eyes and gasped at the intensity of it all: the bright crimson of the crepe myrtle blooms. The bright sunlight reflecting off the oak tee leaves, turning them from green to bright gold as if by alchemy. The kaleidoscope of sun and shade creating an explosion of color from the nandina plants. The gentle morning breeze that refreshed and cooled, creating a sea of shimmering leaves. These are just a few of the precious gifts from creation that welcomed my rebirth to another day as I enjoyed my morning beverage on my back patio.

I went back into the house and kissed my wife, feeling lucky to have been granted another colorful day.