Reflection #6

On Duality

A French impressionist painting depicting a man struggling to choose between yin and yang (Created by OpenAI’s DALL-E)

I struggle with a duality of mind. I have a duality of interests, of thoughts and of desires. I am a different person at different times.

For example, when I'm relaxing, being leisurely, on holiday, or enjoying the weekend, I often experience an explosion of ideas about my dreams and ambitions: What am I going to do with my business next? How are we going to grow? I’m having such great ideas, I can’t wait to put these into practice!

But, this moment, when I’m actually at work, doing, writing, accomplishing, I’ll sit in my office thinking of all the meetings that are going to happen this week, and I suddenly dream of sitting outside while enjoying nature. I long to flaneur away the day… perhaps play my guitar, and sip wine. I could spend the day with my wife, and my cat, talking and listening to music.

I suppose this duality is an inexorable part of human nature. The curse and blessing of the duality of man. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I see it in other, ridiculous, mundane areas too: When my was hair short, I wondered what it would be like to grow my hair long. I even convinced myself that I felt some slight resentment at society that expected a man of my age to wear his hair short. On the other hand, now that I've thrown off those (largely mental) shackles and actually grown my hair long, I find myself sometimes out in the Texas heat thinking, "why the hell did I grow my hair out?"

We want what we don’t have. We want our options to remain open. Our ancestors evolved in a world scarcity, so perhaps wanting what we don’t have....in some ways…coveting, even worshipping, what we don't have is hard-wired in our DNA. That might explain why most of the ten commandments warn us not to covet what we don’t have.

But, the real trick isn't to acquire what we don’t have is it? Because in reality, the modern man doesn’t actually know what he wants. We want what we don’t have simply because we know we are missing something so it must be that thing that we don’t currently have, right?

It’s an insidious trick of Lucifer, Loki, or Hades, also known as your own mind: You have everything you need, but you can’t see that. Thus, you look to the horizon. No, the trick isn’t to get what don’t have, the real trick is to want what you do have.

I've managed, fleetingly, for small moments, to achieve that state of mind a few times lately. On the weekend: to fully enjoy my family and leisure. While at work: to fully enjoy working, writing, coding.

So, on that note, I'm going to take a deep breath and strive to plunge myself deeply and, enjoyably, into today.